Ho Ho Holy Sh*t!

A couple of months ago, I was about 700 words into this cool little Christmas horror story I was writing about a dude that finds an old Santa suit, puts it on, and then finds he can’t take it off. It starts to grow on him, fusing with his skin. Not only that, but his behaviour starts to change. He’s not the man he used to be. For starters (sorry) he’s hungry all the time. No matter how much he eats, he’s still hungry. He eats, and he eats, and he eats.

The story was going well. Right up until the point where I realized I’d subconsciously nicked the plot straight from the Eli Roth film Clown (2014) and just replaced the clown suit with a Santa suit.

Bugger.

I posted in a horror writing group on Facebook complaining about my wasted efforts, prompting Michael McCarty to PM me suggesting what he called a ‘quick fix,’ which between us we adapted into a killer (sic) twist. The resulting story, Finders Keepers, can be found in the new charity release from Terror Tract publishing, who put out my novella Tethered recently. Here’s the cover and ToC:

Jonathan Lambert
Thomas M. Malafarina
Aaron Lebold
Terry Miller
L.C. Valentine
R.C. Mulhare
Edmund Stone
Derek Austin Johnson
Craig Gerald Ferguson
David Owain Hughes
Eric Kapitan
Josh Davis
Andrew Lennon
Rob Shepherd
Dusty Davis
Mawr Gorshin
C.M. Saunders & Michael McCarty

Finders Keepers is a Christmas story, but there isn’t much festive cheer on display. In fact, it’s pretty damn sick and twisted, and might change your perception of what constitutes a family meal forever. Trust me, you wouldn’t want this Santa coming down your chimney. And what was that quick fix suggested by Michael McCarty? You’ll have to read the story to find out.

Ho ho ho Holy Sh*t is out this Christmas on Terror Tract Publishing.

Scary Mary & The Jester of Hearts

I am pleased to announce that my short story, Scary Mary, appears in the new anthology Jester of Hearts from Terror Tract Publishing.

TT, who use the slogan HORROR WITH ATTITUDE to great effect, are the same beautiful people who recently published my novella Tethered. As the title suggests, this particular anthology is a collection of dark stories which all have a spiky thread of humour running through them. I don’t know why, but to me, horror and humour are often interlinked. It’s the absurdity of it all; the way your mind becomes unhinged from reality when faced with the horrible, horrific or horrifying.

My contribution, Scary Mary, is a flash fiction piece I wrote in early 2020. It’s based on a popular urban legend called the phantom hitch-hiker, whereby a driver picks up a passenger one night on a deserted stretch of road only to discover that it’s a ghost. The set-up is a bunch of guys chatting in a pub, and the whole story builds to what I hope is a worthy mic-drop stinger at the end. It probably won’t win me many literary prizes, not that my writing ever has, but it might send a chill down your spine and then make you crack a smile, which is the whole point of this anthology.

Jester of Hearts is available now on paperback and ebook from Terror Tract Publishing.

Brewtality

My short story Grower is included in the new anthology Brewtality, out now on Evil Cookie, a new publishing company set up by the uber-talented K Trap Jones. All the stories in this book have a common them, which is something very close to my heart: alcohol.

Without giving too much away, Grower is about a guy who finds a tooth in his beer, and things just get weirder for him from there. It’s one of the most bizarre and flat-out surreal, stories I’ve produced in a long time. In fact, it’s probably one of the most bizarre and flat-out surreal, stories I’ve produced EVER. I wrote the original draft in the heady pre-COVID summer of 2019 whilst living in Guangzhou, and drinking far too much cheap Chinese beer. I was swigging on a can one night when I started thinking… what if?

This story was rejected by another prospective publisher I sent it to on the basis of being, “Too skin-crawlingly gross.” They also added, “The descriptions throughout this story were uncomfortably visceral and gruesome.” That’s a win for any horror writer, and I’m glad Trap wasn’t as squeamish and sensitive.

The original version featured a can of Budweiser as the vessel of doom, because I wanted to emphasise the discovery of something weird deep inside the ordinary and I hate Bud with a passion. Too gassy. But later I had a rethink, and decided it would be much more fun if I ditched the Bud in favour of a made-up brand of craft beer (just as I would in real life). Also, credit for that final killer line has to go to Trap himself.

Just look at this ToC!

I am truly humbled to be in such great company.

Brewtality is out now on paperback and ebook on Evil Cookie publishing.

It Came From the Darkness

I’m proud to have been invited to contribute to It Came From the Darkness, an anthology put together by Red Cape Publishing and Philip Rogers to raise money for the Max the Brave fund.

Please follow the link to find out more about the cause.

(from the official press release):

“A huge number of horror writers, poets, artists, and film makers have come together to support the cause and offer the reader something special. Each piece of writing begins with the same five words, but the stories themselves are all wonderfully varied. So dig in, take each tale one bloody bite at a time, and beware of what comes from the darkness.

Includes stories from David Owain Hughes, Matthew V. Brockmeyer, Tim Lebbon, Lou Yardley, Cortney Palm, Lee Franklin, MJ Dixon, Singh Lall, and many, many more.”

The book is released on October 30^th.

Holiday in the Splatterclub

My short story Holiday of a Lifetime is included in the Splatterclub’s first anthology, out now on Blood Bound Books. BBB, who have previously published my stories The Devil & Jim Rosenthal in DOA, Subject #270374 in DOA III, and The Others in Burnt Fur, are without doubt one of my favourite small presses. It is always a pleasure to work with them, and I’m overjoyed to continue our association.

I wrote Holiday of a Lifetime in 2017, shortly after I came back from a trip to Thailand. While not quite the holiday of a lifetime, it came close. What it really did was open my eyes to some of the decadence and debauchery that goes on there on a daily basis. I thought Ibiza and Benidorm were bad (or good, depending on how you look at it) but nothing could prepare me for Bangkok and Pattaya.

Holiday of a Lifetime is about an Average Joe who, after being made redundant, decides to take his wife on a trip to Thailand. There, the couple let themselves go and indulge in everything the country has to offer. In fact, they let themselves go too far and come to realize that when something is done, it can’t be undone.

I honestly thought I’d overplayed my hand with this one. Blood, gore, extreme sex, sexual violence, it’s all here. I didn’t think I would be able to find a publisher willing to touch it, so kudos to BBB.

My mother is usually my biggest fan. She reads everything I have published. But I don’t think she’ll be reading this one.

Welcome to the Splatterclub is out now on paperback and ebook.

Unknown Pleasures – Post Mortem Press: The Early Years (Volume One)

One of the first short stories I had accepted after my return to writing fiction after a long hiatus was a story valled Curiosities, which was included in an anthology called Uncanny Allegories on Post Mortem Press back in 2010.

Curiosities, which was later included in X2, is about an antique shop on the south coast of England. It’s a shop with a difference, and more than a few secrets. The original plan was to write a series of stories about the same place and central character, but I never got around to it. I guess there’s still time. 

Anyway, Post Mortem Press has just compiled all the stories from Uncanny Allegories and many others into one handy, specially-priced volume called Unknown Pleasures – Post Mortem Press: The Early Years (Volume One).

The book contains over 1800 pages and includes over 80 stories and novellas, including ‘secret classics’ by Jack Ketchum and Jonathan Maberry, among many others. 

Check it out that awesome cover!

I think somebody over there must be a Joy Division fan.

 

Burnt Fur

My short story, The Others, is included in the furry-themed anthology Burnt Fur, edited by Ken MacGregor, and available now on Blood Bound Books.

BBB, who have previously published my stories The Devil & Jim Rosenthal in DOA and Subject #270374 in DOA III, are one of my favourite publishing companies, and it’s always a pleasure to work with them. We have something else in the pipeline for 2020, more details of that project to follow soon.

Right now, it’s all about the Burnt Fur…

“Burnt Fur: An Anthology of Horror is easily one of my favourite modern horror anthologies. There isn’t a bad story amongst the bunch with some just lacking the extra spark to really get the horror juices flowing.”

From the review by Games, Brrraaains & a Headbangin’ Life

My contribution, the Others, has an interesting back-story. A few years ago when I lived in Hunan Province, China, I started dating a local girl called Ebony. That’s not her real name, by the way. I couldn’t even pronounce her Chinese name, let alone remember it. I called her Ebony because she had beautiful dark skin. One day she told me a story. She said when she was little, she would see animals which looked a bit like ‘friendly bears,’ interacting with people around her. Some were big, some were small, they wore colourful clothing and seemed to communicate with each other. Strangest of all was that apparently nobody could see these things except her. She thought she was going mad, and when she was telling me about this, her eyes filled with tears. Telling someone about this was a big thing for her.

I didn’t know what to think. It’s not something you hear every day. I didn’t doubt her sincerity for a moment. I sympathised because she was relating what had obviously been a traumatic experience for her, or numerous traumatic experiences, as it hadn’t been a one-off incident. These bear-like creatures were around for years. The question was, what did she see? Were these things real? Transgressors from another dimension, maybe? Or was it all in her mind?

I never did find out. Our relationship fizzled out soon after. But her weird confession formed the basis of this story. I also wanted to say something about the convenience and the increasing prevalence of online dating. Because on the internet, you’re never really 100% sure who you’re talking to. 

Is that creepy enough for you? If not, why not slip into your Fursona and see what else Burnt Fur? has to offer?

Burnt Fur Available now on paperback and ebook.

Year One – Dark Moments Anthology

My drabble, The Bell, is included in Year One, the first Dark Moments anthology from Black Hare Press with a whole host of stellar names.

Again, fuck cancer.

Year One is available now on paperback and ebook.

100 Word Horrors 4

Hello, you sexy bastards. I just want to let you know that I have a drabble included in the new anthology 100 Word Horrors 4, which will probably be the last in the series, edited once again by the irrepressible Kevin Kennedy. Without giving too much away, my contribution, entitled Louie’s Room, is about a boy who loves playing with toy soldiers. Didn’t we all? But maybe Louis loves playing with his toys a little bit too much and as ever, there’s a twist.

Bagging a spot in number four means I’ve been lucky enough to have had stories published in each volume of the 100 Word Horrors series, and a few of my drabbles have found homes on other platforms. At first, I found the whole process of writing drabbles a drain. It was too restrictive, the margins for error too fine and a lot of work for very little pay-off. But over the past couple of years I’ve grown to love it. It’s still a challenge, but it’s also a good exercise for other forms of writing. You have to make every word count. It’s much easier said than done, but don’t take my word for it. Have a go. Sit down and write a bona fide story, with a beginning, a middle, and an end, in 100 words not including the title or byline. Not 99 or 101 words. Exactly 100. I’m sure people have been driven insane by much less.

100 Word Horrors 4 is available now.

2019 in Review

It’s that time of year again…

Another one ‘in the books,’ so to speak. And time for another quick review.

2019 kicked off in a high gear for me. In January I finally finished the final edits of my novella Tethered and started punting it around carefully selected publishers, and placed drabbles in 100-Word Horrors volumes 2 and 3, to follow-up my appearance in the first volume.

Saunders for the hattrick.

I also finished compiling X: Omnibus, a collection of all three of my short story collections to date, plus some other odds and ends. I’d already commissioned a cover from the sublime Greg Chapman, but even though most of the stories have been published before in various places, many of them still needed a bit of spit and polish. That process complete, I then had to format both the paperback and ebook versions and set about the task of marketing the sucker. I try to do a couple of guest posts at horror blogs and sites around every release. I find it beneficial, as well as fun. Most notably, this time around I popped up on Kendall Reviews discussing why I write horror.

In the first quarter of the year I had a couple of ‘quiet horror’ stories accepted into anthologies. Specifically, Down the Road appeared in a two-volume anthology on Smoking Pen Press entitled Vampires, Zombies & Ghosts, and Where a Town Once Stood was included in the Corona Book of Horror Stories. Obviously, I couldn’t stay ‘quiet’ for long and indulged my wild side in Trigger Warning: Body Horror from Madness Heart Press which included my surrealist skit Revenge of the Toothfish. Tiny Little Vampires was in a similar vein, and that was published by Tell Tale Press and elsewhere, The Bell showed up in Dark Moments.

With seven (count ’em!) new short stories being published, 2019 was probably my most successful ever calendar year in fiction. I also wrote seven or eight more shorts of various lengths and made a start on a new novel about a P.I. (Paranormal Investigator) and his cat I’ve been planning for a long time. For the most part, my fiction has taken a slightly surreal turn. There have been disembodied fingers poking through plugholes, giant cockroaches, and assassins with supernatural abilities. Still, most of the time, I’ve been living in China and writing non-fiction under a pseudonym. There are a lot of good reasons why I use a pseudonym when I write about my adventures and misadventures in the Middle Kingdom, which I won’t go into here. Let’s just say what happens in China is often best left in China, and written about by some other dude with a fake name. But it’s no big secret. If you want to know who this guy is, PM me and I’ll probably tell you, as long as you’re not the thought police.

*Nervous grin.*

I’m quite excited about this coming year. My RetView series of blog posts where I re-visit classic horror movies is picking up more readers and going from strength to strength, the latest installment of my X series of short fiction (imaginatively entitled X4. I like to keep things simple) is set to drop soon, and I’ve already had a couple of stories accepted into anthologies penciled in for 2020 releases. Hopefully, I’ll also have some new material which I’ve been working on for a while out in the second half of the year, so watch this space!

Thanks for reading.

2018 in Review.